He pulled a cigarette from the pack, drew it to his lips, crushing it slightly in his careless grasp, set fire to the end of it and took a deep, long breath of nicotine-filled smoke. He just stared out into the night sky. Our conversations sometimes stop like this. I hated him a little for this, too. Not for killing the conversation, though. No, the talk was mindless chatter to me. No. I hated him for his ability to withdraw from this world. Just looking at him, I could tell he was somewhere very far away. I wondered if the cancer was kicking in yet or not.

"Do you think we'll ever get there?" he asked.
"We're not actually going anywhere," I replied.
"No, out there. Far out there, into the light. Do you think that'll ever happen for us." He said it more as a statement than a question.
"I don't know," I exhaled, slightly bemused by this sudden change of thought.

He didn't reply after that. I just sat there on the porch while he stood with his cigarette burning slowly in his hand. He should have been an astronaut. Of all the people I knew, he could probably do it. There was something in him that just let him keep going, even when everything was going to shit. It was another ten minutes of looking out into the stars before he spoke again. During that time, I wondered how many of those lights were snuffed out already. I wondered why I was so morbid all the time. I guess I'm just a product of the grisly times in which we live.

"You know, I never spoke to her after that."

I didn't reply. There was really nothing I could say to him. After everything that had happened, it just didn't seem right.

"It's the stars. They remind me of her, somehow. Maybe that's where everything that you've lost goes when it's gone. Out into the stars..."

I stood up, pulling a cigarette from the pack. I clumsily lit the end of it and breathed in my own brand of cancer. The stars were brilliant that night.

"Ya. Maybe," I answered.

She said, "no, it doesn't matter." But, something in her voice convinced me not to believe her. Or perhaps, it was the fire in her eyes, that will to defy, that so captivates me and forces me into these capitulating circumstances. I would have argued if not for my own arcane desire. How can you question the love of another without opening old wounds? No good would come from continuing this line of questioning and I would certainly not achieve my own goals. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if there really was an end to all of this. Could it be possible to relinquish the past to the deepest recesses of the heart, or would it remain always entwined in the fabric of her being? Perhaps, I wasn't the one to ask being that I had my fair share of scars. I said, "okay," and led her to the queen-sized bed. I loved her intensity, though I knew I could never trust her wild heart. Her skin felt like velvet on mine, and I kissed her with passion, hoping to wash away the stains of my own doubts and misgivings. Hoping she could forget the ominous past that threatened to steal this moment away from me.

Plastic Bags and Hand Grenades

I medicate to ease my mind
Of all the ones who waste my time
To forgive is to forget none
Take a chance, it might be fun

I smoke a lot but who's to say
I won't become you some day
And slit my wrists, oh I'm so bored
The excess of always wanting more

Plastic bags and hand grenades
All I need is in my way
Life's a game, or so they say
Whose turn is it now, anyway?

I'm alive and I'm so young
What more could now go wrong?
I lost my mind, or just my face
Either/or scratch and replace

Take a dive and ride the bars
Alcohol and cash-car-stars
Adolescent pre-paid noose
What they say must be truth

I could play the game and dress like you
A cozy grin and business suit
Sell it all until the soul is gone
Everything where it belongs

Life's a game
Or so they say

- Solus

Onto you, thus I speak.

To this world, I do not belong. I was born of this world, but never to be part of it. It is neither whether this world was ready for my self, nor whether my soul was ready for this world. These arguments are without solution, but by the will of Sol, I was placed within this world. In death, my peace will be given to me. In solitude, will I sing requiem. This is the future for all souls who follow this path.

My love I give onto you, freely and without recompense, for love is all that I can give if you are willing to accept. My sons will be born of love onto this world, with the hope that they may find a world far more kind than the one I see before me. I pray that they may find a peace that was never granted to me. I pray they find comfort in the arms of a mother, both caring and just.

- Solus

A Letter to You

To you:

At 1:23am, when there is no one left to talk to since anyone with any normal life would be sleeping now, I am still awake, my thoughts plagued with sadness. I guess all I can really say is that I really do care about you. I wish things were different than the way they are now. And, I know there is nothing that I can do to change this, because I have no right to do so. I know that this really shouldn't affect me, bother me, the way it does, but I have always had the hardest time just watching as this world tears people apart. I really wish I could make things better for you, because this whole ordeal fills me with such a great sadness.

Maybe if I wasn't alone as I am now, things would be different. I asked her tonight, if she had stayed, would things be different now. I like to believe they would be, but then again I was in a different world, then. I suppose this has as much to do witth my longing for the few good things in my life, all of whom are too far from me now, as it does with my desire for you to be happy. But, I just can't explain the actions of other people. I can read people's actions and feelings, but that does not mean I can understand why they feel or act that way. I wish I could give you some sort of solace in all of this, but I can only offer it as a "learning experience", which I know is no solace whatsoever. I wish I could say this to you now, but I know that I can't. I wanted to write this anyway, because I needed to say something. I needed someone to know that I am sorry that this is happening.

Your friend,

Solus

I thought I'd re-post this poem again, after finding it the other night. I suppose this represents my incredibly romantic side. It comes from Media Blackout, but I would like it to be here too.

-------

Before I come clean
I hope that you are listening
I had been broken, battered
But, now, none of that matters

Before I met you
I was a ghost of gray and blue
And the fire in my soul
Had extinguished, grown cold

Before I speak clear
Before you draw too near
Don't let the past bring you down
Don't let anyone push you around

I see the silent beauty in your eyes
It reminds me of the silence in mine
And I hope that you can understand
I can't offer much, but I am what I am
I am what I am

So, if my heart is not so soft
And my hands grow too rough
That does not mean I don't feel
It doesn't make this less real

Now, if you can take notice
If I haven't blundered through this
I mean to say, I will do what I can
And I want you to understand
I am what I am
And I hope that's enough
I hope you understand

- Solus

New Jersey Screws Everyone

With record-breaking voter turnout last night, Republicans throughout the state voted in force, causing what was predicted to be an Obama win into the hands of McCain. In fact, across all levels of government, the Garden State voted red in all catagories, causing a severe shift in power in both the House and the Senate. With Joe Liberman crossing the line over to the red seats, it appears now that all branches of government are firmly in the hands of the Republican party.

And then I woke up with a cold sweat all over my body.