you were there, and it was good in the beginning

promise you will remember
that promises last forever

I had a dream last night, in which I was at a nice beach by a lake. It was beautiful and sunny, and I swam all day long. I was there with a bunch of strangers, but that didn't matter. I got along with them quite fine, and we laid out in the sun for hours. Eventually, the sun began to set, and the air cooled. We had to go inside. The building we were staying at was very large, and the halls were jagged. There didn't seem to be any overlying logic to the patterns of rooms and staircases. Walking around, the building was empty, though everything was clean and well-kept. As the night went on, we started to wonder where all the other people were, but we found no evidence of their presence. We tried to get back to the entrance we came into, but we had become lost. That's when we noticed that several of us were now missing. We walked into a parlor to find a monster that had taken human form. It chased us into a stair well, and I jumped down flights of stairs to escape. I managed to escape out of the stairwell, and lock the monster in behind me. I met up with several other people. And, I told them that we would be safe if we stayed out of the building, and kept to a small section of it. I told them that it would be okay. But, when I noticed some of the people wondering into another room, I told them to get out of there before it was too late. They asked why, and I told them there were monsters in that room, that it wasn't safe there. But, already the creature had come and taken the person. I quickly locked the door, but they started to come out from all different areas. Everyone ran, and I could hear the screams behind me. A few of the many that were left managed to get into another room, a room on the exterior of the building where we could escape. We ran through several rooms, but I decided to go back to see if there was anyone left behind. I told the remainders to wait there until I came back. I walked back to the locked door. There was a small knock on the door, and head popped underneath the door. It was a girl that was in our group. She told me to let her in. I asked her what happened to the others. She told me they were fine and to let her in. I walked up to her, and whispered into her ear a question: Is this a trap? She began to cry, and whispered yes. That's when she was yanked back into the other room, her scream still echoing in the hall. I wasn't sure what happened to the others. Only a few of us remained. I didn't know if we should go back to see if we could find more. I told them it would be safe, but I couldn't keep them together. The moon shone brilliant through the windows, casting shafts of light onto the persian carpet in the room. When I caught up to the others, they asked me what happened, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the light. I told them they were okay, but we had to keep moving. We'd find them later. They were strangers to me, but it was painful to keep moving on.

I'll See You in My Dreams

Though the days are long
Twilight sings a song
All the happiness that used to be

Soon my eyes will close
Soon, I'll find repose
And in my dreams
You're always near to me

I'll see you in my dreams
Hold you in my dreams
Someone took you right out of my arms
Still, I feel the thrill of your charms

Lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
They will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams

Lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
They will light my lonely way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams

- Gus Kahn

On my birthday, I hope I can dream of everyone that I can't be with anymore. I often see you there, and I hope of all nights, I'll see you there tonight. G'night.

I’m in a page on your desk
Here’s my name if you forget
I couldn’t stop to think of you
I let it drop with no excuse

I see your name and it makes me laugh
Looking forward and thinking back
To the Sunday afternoons
When the world was just me and you

The weeks roll by; they feel like years
But we don’t mind what we don’t hear
I signed my love, an autograph
It was good back then, but it didn’t last

The taste of wine upon my lips
In all this time, you’re all I miss
And, you know, I could use a friend
But silence is all there is in the end

- Solus

I found this poem in a random word document at the end of a paper I wrote. I don't remember it, but I thought it was pretty good and very appropriate for the times.

Nobody's Coming to Save You

Look around
Can you see the familiar tree
Where you carved your name
When you were young and free?

Look above
Can you see the same god smile
Down upon the hope you had
But lost after so many weary miles?

Look beneath
The stones you cast in spite
When you were hot and full of flame
Do you still feel you were right?

Look within
Are you everything you wanted to be?
Nobody's coming to save you
And nobody's coming to save me

- Solus

Dream #57

You called to me last night
A melancholy song through the phone
How did you know I’d still be home?

I told you I was still alone
But, that I was doing just fine
I don’t stay home anymore
On Saturday night

Still, I haven’t forgotten you
So, darling, do not fear
You’re on my mind this time of year

And, I can finally see it clear
What else was I supposed to do?
Even the best plans fall through

Oh, love, you sound so distressed
Now, please do not be upset
There is nothing that I regret
There is nothing that I forget

I told you it was good to hear your voice
One of the sweetest things in this life
Oh, everything will be all right
Everything will be all right

Oh, I still miss you
That much is true
I hope you still miss me too

- Solus

Driving with Nirvana

I often don't understand how I find myself in these situations, but I've learned to stop questioning them. There really isn't any over-riding logic towards the events in my life. So, when Kurt said he wanted to drive to Washington to see Krist, I didn't think much of it. Besides, a cross-country drive seemed like a lot of fun. Of course, a cross-country trip wouldn't be complete without picking up Dave in Virginia.

And so, we picked up Dave and drove, for several days. We didn't really talk all the much, really. There was nothing that needed to be said. We all took turns making our way across the country, sleeping when we could. When we reached Washington, Kurt was driving. Dave was sleeping in the back next to me, while I stared out at the passing cars on a rainy, miserable washington afternoon. Dave woke up and sleepily asked, "How close are we?"

Kurt responded, "We still have a couple more hours, probably."

"Where is Krist living nowadays, anyway?"

"He's living in Wahkiakum, but we're not going there. We're gonna meet him at his summer house."

I finally chimed in with a "must be good to be a big rich rock star." Dave just agreed, and the rain kept coming.

Right Up to the Dying Embers

I've been able to speak about it again, recently. So much time has gone by now, that it feels like it was someone else. In reality, it hasn't been that long, and sometimes saying the words aloud does offer up a sharp pain, that if I wasn't paying attention, I might not have noticed was there. Now, I've said much of this to people long ago. But, I feel like I should just mention something about it, since I'm the sentimental type.

This Friday is May 22, 2009. I had programmed this date into my phone nearly three years ago. I honestly don't know why I programmed it into my phone, but it made me happy to do so, at the time. I guess it's okay to be excited about getting married. It would have been exactly six and a half years ago that we had first started dating. Well, okay, to be honest, the wedding would probably have been either May 23rd or 24th, but I honestly don't think that's important. The proposal would have most likely been at the beach, under some moonlight. I toyed around with the site of our first kiss, but honestly, the parking deck of the Bridgewater Commons isn't that romantic. Still, it does hold some sentimentality to me, so I thought about it. Two year engagement during grad school to find our feet on our own, and then the marriage. Joseph and Genevieve Krumpfer. Haha, my name never looked good with hers. Genevieve is too sweet sounding and Krumpfer is just a harsh German name.

Now, maybe I'm a jerk for bringing up such an old memory/dream. Especially one that feels like it belongs to someone else. Perhaps that's why it's so much easier for me to talk about it, now. Because it belongs to someone else.

It's been a year since I've seen her. She came to visit me in Northampton. I unwittingly took her to a gay pride parade. :-) It was pretty priceless, actually. "Darling, I just want you to know that I support you no matter what you decide." Still have that purple tote bag too, but the bottom is starting to fall off. I knew then that we were over, but sometimes dreams are hard to let go of, no matter how painful they can be. And, I soon came to realize that it was exactly what it was. Just a painful, painful relationship, for both of us. It took me so long to realize this, too. Far too long, actually. But, you learn with experience, I guess. If I stayed in her life, I knew that all I could ever do for her is hurt her, and she would do exactly the same to me. She had already found someone who could be good for her, and I was just a stumbling block in that situation. I didn't want her to cry over me. I didn't want her to feel any more pain. I just wanted her to be happy. So, I made the decision to leave. I know I'll never be sure whether it was the right decision or not. I like to believe it was, since from what little I know, she seems to be doing very well, and is still in her relationship. I don't know for sure.

I tried talking to her a few times in the fall. But, it really just affirmed that I was no longer a welcome person in her life. Nothing I couldn't understand. So, I've just let it be. Regardless, I still think of her often. Mostly in good ways, now, but not always.

And, since then, my life has been a rollercoaster ride. I went through the stage where I honestly thought that I would never find anyone else again. But, I did, even for the briefest of moments. Everyone in Massachusetts says it's the only time they've ever seen me be really happy. Long distances are nearly impossible, though. And our lives were just in two different places. Still, it was a very nice time, she was beautiful and I could have easily seen things going much differently, had circumstances been other than what they were. I miss her now too.

I miss a lot of people, actually. I can't say I'm not haunted by these things. I can't say that I'm not emotionally and physically scarred. But, I've found a very good place now. I've had some crazy adventures, and met a lot of really interesting people. I'm grateful for the people that I have managed to hold on to, and the one that just refused to go away, no matter how hard I tried. I'm grateful for the new people who have come into my life. Whether as guest characters or new regulars, these people have definitely made for some very interesting tales. And, no not all of them are good, but they are highly entertaining to me. I'm curious to figure out Dana. Hopefully, it's not as straightforward as it seems to be. But, even if it is, it's still a good time. And, I have a half marathon race this weekend in VT which should be a lot of fun.

Alright, I've been too sentimental. But, May is a very sentimental month for me, for a lot of reasons. So, I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass somehow.

Molly

I see you naked in the bath
Cigarette stains on your hands
Wilted flowers in a vase
I ask how are you
Ya, how are you?

I see your lipstick on the glass
I think you're drunk and start to laugh
I find your note
The letters ran
It said 'I loved you'
Ya, "I loved you"

Don't ask why
(Sixteen candles down the...)

I watch you passed out for awhile
I touch your face, you start to smile
And on your note is my reply
"I wish I loved you"
Ya, I wish I loved you

But, don't ask why

Sixteen candles down the drain

- Sponge


This song has always been a very important song to me. Don't ask why, but I woke up every morning in the summer of '02 listening to this song. The summer of '02 was arguably the worst period of my life (only rivaled by the summer of '07). But, it's that feeling of "I wish I loved you" that is so important in this song. Because, it comes both ways. The feelings we had, and may be gone. The feelings that, if we only could have them, would make our life so much better. It's a strange realization to come across. If you could be a different person, you'd be better off. If you could only love that person...

It reminds me of coming over and finding her drunk. After being away for so long, you just want to know how she is. And you pick her up from wherever she's fallen over. You don't ask why, you just do it. But, perhaps, that's what you're supposed to do, after all. You're not supposed to ask why. You're not really supposed to understand. And, I honestly don't. I know I never will. It has stopped bother me, but I still wish I did. And, you might feel like it's all been wasted. Like there's so much time just flushed away, but that's not really the point either.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, wherever and whomever you find yourself as, don't ask why. Just do what you know you have to do. And, it may break your heart, but it's still the right thing to do. And love when you can love. And when you can't love, wish you could.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen your face
But, I can still remember you
And just the way your lips taste
It’s been some time since I could understand
You do what you have to do
And I will do just what I can

I can still see within your blue eyes
The length of your long blonde hair
The curl of your body besides mine
Your memory recalls the sweetness of youth
And the depths that I would go to
Just to be, for a moment, near you

It hasn’t been so long since we last spoke
We spoke of love and life
As if it were still just a joke
It’s been awhile since I’ve seen your face
But, I still remember you
A heart remembers, even while it breaks

- Solus

Promises - Badly Drawn Boy

I promise you will get old
I promised you everything
To protect you wherever you go
I'll give you this diamond ring

Just promise you will remember
A promise should last forever
Right up to the dying embers
Of a fire that burns so slow

It's a different day everyday
Don't want you to walk alone
But how can we carry on
When all of these things have gone

Just promise you will remember
That promises last forever
Still after the last dying embers
Of a fire that burns so slowly

It's a beautiful thing to do
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Remember I do love you
Have courage in what you say

And promise you will remember
That promises last forever
Still after the dying embers
The fire that burns so slowly

And sometimes you just have to walk away
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Wishing today was yesterday
Yeah, sometimes you just have to walk away

- Badly Drawn Boy


Speaking today, without any words was enough. I don't think I could survive much more. Still, I am doing the best I can, and that's all I can do. I think this song is absolutely beautiful, and so appropriate in everything I've found. I wasn't very surprised, but I still just didn't want to know. I guess that's how these things go.

Waiting to Be Found Anew (or I’m Still Here)

If I should wander, or if I should err
Please believe in me; I will still be here
And if the silence should swallow
Every single note my heart sings to you
And if these dreams are filled with sorrow
I am waiting still to be found anew, by you

I may not have long now; I may not have much
But, I still believe in you, and I still believe in love
And if the taste should suddenly become bitter
And all your photos be forgotten in a hurry
I have not missed or lost a single silent letter
And my memory hasn’t become quite so blurry

To erase the vision of you in my arms,
The smile I loved, and tiny hands I’d hold
And leave you forgotten in the cold

I know I’m not perfect, nor is my life complete
I’ve just been waiting here, lost in my dreams
And if you should find yourself, one day, within your sleep
In places long forgotten and memories held so deep
I will remain adrift somewhere in this sea
And, I hope, someday, you will come and find me

- Solus

I dreamt you were getting married
A friend of mine told me
I texted to see if it was true.

I dreamt you had a baby
And were a single mother
Folding laundry late at night
I came to you again
To see if you were alright
Your baby told me he didn't love me
While I folded laundry with you

It’s funny how nothing can ever truly change
The same old thoughts with a different name
Just a few more lines drawn upon my aging face
Another year to find ourselves in another place

I wasted the best of my years on a fruitless pursuit
Time I wish I could have to give to you
So you might know the man I was supposed to be
So you might get the chance to get the best of me

And, so each day with you is an endless dream
Waltzing amid the watchful and the asleep
Beauty, just a fleeting moment of our youth
But, I think I might like to grow old with you

To watch the light on your face in the setting sun
To laugh and sing as if we were still young
To grasp your hand within the fold of mine
To live as if we no longer believed in time

It’s funny how life passes us along the way
While I’m so enraptured with your loving gaze
And I would have loved you under any other name
Some things can never truly change

- Solus

The Wretched and Pathetic

Well, I woke last night to a vision in a dream
And another day steals the breath from out of me
You lead me down with questions I cannot believe
And you come so close, I forget to breathe

In my bed, I hear you whisper things I could never say
And you don’t mind, at least, you never seemed to care
The lines were drawn before I could even get away
Now, you move so fast, I wonder if you’re even there

I’m all alone, or that’s just the way you make me feel
Oh, I don’t know. I only know what you say is real
The lies I told were carbon copies I’d heard before
That you once sold me when you were feeling bored

You kiss my lips like the softest touch of silk and lace
And hold my heart like something so easily replaced
I never learned where you go to so swiftly forget
To never feel the lingering weight of old regrets

In my head, I hear you whisper things I could never say
But, I know you don’t mind ‘cause I know you aren’t there
The lines were drawn so fast I could never get away
You were gone, and I knew you never really cared

- Solus