Of nothing in particular

It's not the first time. Most likely, the fifth or sixth. It becomes hard to keep track. As with most people, she just wanted to belong. To be loved. She'd never been in love, but she was sure that she wanted to be. They had fought over this many times. She just wanted to be with him. Why couldn't he see that? Tripping over herself in every way, she followed him blindly. The control, unknowingly taken, was completely within his grasp. It had never been this way before for her. Never before had anyone had such control over her, as he did now. And, she knew he was special because of it. But, of course, when it came down to being more than just friends, the situation became complicated. It could never work out. And she swore that night, she would stay away from him from now on. She would sleep on the couch.

Did she ask herself why, then, it was so difficult to slide her arm from underneath him to leave his bed in the morning?

It's so late
I really must be asleep
Your vision appears before me
And, I sleep all right
When you came here
You damn near saved my life
On the edge of my bed
Staring down the ghosts
The countless nights awake
And, you, a vision of grace
And delight
In the way you hold me tight
A moment's repose
Silent peace within your golden hair
Arrayed in the moonlight
Coloured by the blue of your eyes
Drawing you close to me
Right where I want to be
Here within your arms
Hands gripping tight
To never let go of the moment
Which is ours alone
You make me believe in love.

- Solus

Golden Retriever

I was seven or eight when I first heard the story. It was one of those simple things that becomes a profound thread in a person's life. It seemed this story was told just for me. I heard the story of a golden retriever. When a golden retriever grows up with a family, it learns to love them unconditionally. As it grows older and older, it slowly becomes aware of its own mortality. Days prior before death, a golden retriever will run away from home, leaving behind the people it loved more than anything else in the world. It was not abandoning them. Rather, in his own way, he was saving them the pain of having to watch him die. It could not bring itself to harm them, even in death. It's hard to understand this decision. To die alone, when it could be surrounded by loved ones, but I understood it perfectly, even at a young age. And, often, I wish I could run away, now.

In the Mob

Son of a bitch. I have no idea what the hell goes on in my head half of the time. I must seriously be crazy to get myself in this position. Once you're in, you stay in until you retire. There's no going against that. Unfortunately, I just can't stay any longer. That's why I intended on turning state's witness. But, of course, those fucking feds had to go and fuck everything up. Apparently, they had a guy on the inside already, and if I leave now, it'd ruin everything. Too bad, it's not my problem. They didn't tell me who the guy was either. So, I'm totally screwed. If anyone finds out about this, I'm dead.

I met with the feds two days ago. A guy and a girl. She wasn't too bad looking. I've always been crazy about the red-heads. But really, not my type. Too uptight. Besides, you could just tell there was something going on between them. Partners, I'm sure. They told me they'd get me out, just as soon as this next job was finished. Of course, this next job just happens to involve a shit ton of money. And I am one of the key players.

I was to meet them under the bridge. I drove one of those non-descript white vans. Yes, they really do use them, just like the movies. I decided it'd be better to get there on the earlier side, just in case something went wrong. The morning sun was still bright, and the heat was beginning to pick up, despite the cool autumn air. A few minutes after I arrived, another van showed up. I got out of my van, as they approached. I leaned against the drivers door, as the approaching van pulled up, crunching dirt underneath its tires. Two men came out of the van, and that's when the first of many surprises occurred. One of them was the FBI agent I met the other day. The guy.

The surprise on my face must have been clear, as the man he was with asked me what was wrong. I lied and told him it was nothing. No use in blowing his cover when I still needed him to get me out of this. I was handed a gun and told, 'just in case'. I really hate guns. We moved the cash (and it was a lot of cash) from my van into the other to be delivered to the boss. When the job was done, I started walking back to the van to leave. "Wait a minute." It was man with the FBI agent. I turned around to find a gun pointed at me.

"I've been hearing some strange rumors, you know. That you might be turning state," said the man.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied. I think I began to sweat a little.

"Sure you don't. See, I've been thinking. With this rumor going on about you, it wouldn't be too big a leap to say you just took all the money and ran. I tried to stop you, but I just couldn't."

"What?"

"Hey, what are you talking about?" questioned the agent.

"Think about it. All this cash could just going missing. It could be ours, and we have the perfect scapegoat. He might not even be found, especially at the bottom of the river."

I couldn't believe this. This wasn't happening. I slowly pulled out the gun I was handed. Just in case, right? I was fast. He didn't even have time to do anything. I had my gun on him in seconds. The man just smiled at me.

"Oh, you think you're going to shoot me? It's gonna be kinda hard without any bullets in that gun." He laughed.

I pulled the trigger to hear only a click. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Fuck. The agent was trying to say something to the man, but I couldn't hear it. I dove toward the truck just as a bullet flew past me. I stumbled and struggled to put the van between myself and the man. Can't shoot me through a van, right? More shots were fired. I was a dead man. I was quickly cornered. As I sat on the ground, staring into the barrel of the gun, I started to hear the agents words a little clearer.

"Don't do it. He's more useful alive."

"How's that?"

"If you leave him alive, think of all the time that will be spent on trying to hunt him down to get the money, rather than the circumstances on how the money went missing. On that, no one would believe him, since we can say how he was talking to the Feds the whole time. It'll give us enough time to work the money through the system so that it can't be traced." This agent was a lot smarter than he looked.

"Hm. That's a good plan, actually. Alright, let's see how long he lasts."

I just sat there. I wanted to start thanking the agent, but I decided silence would have been a lot more beneficial. I sat there and waited until they drove away with the money. I had to get to the boss as quickly as I could. Before they got there. I drove as fast as I could, knowing exactly where to go.

The place used to be a summer camp. I remember it vividly as a child, every building and every playground. I didn't have much time for nostalgia at the moment, though. I decided to take a short cut through one of the buildings. As I neared the door to go out the other side, I saw men standing outside the window. I listened carefully. They had taken my friend, Bugra, and were questioning him. They wanted to know where I was and to whom I had been talking. I was too late, and they had Bugra. I stood on a small wooden stool to see better. They had him by the woods. Two men with guns pointed at him and the boss stood to the side.

"Don't kill him yet. I want to get the other one before that. Shoot them together, wouldn't that be nice?" the boss asked rhetorically. That's when the stool beneath me snapped and I fell with a loud thud. "What was that?"

The two men came started for the door as I ran through the other side. They spotted me, and started chasing after me. Fortunately, I knew the place better than any of them did. The two henchmen split up and tried to corner me several times, but each time I was able to slip away from them. I started to make toward my van to get out of there, when I noticed another white van. Could it really be? Finally, something started going my way. I ran toward the van to find the man who tried to kill me standing there. He must not have even noticed my fist as I rammed it into his face as hard as I could. He probably only remembers me standing over his ugly, profusely bleeding face. I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and lifted him off the ground while I screamed into his face, "Where's the money!? I'll kill you! Where's the fucking money?"

He sputtered blood as he muttered "van". I let him fall to the ground with a thud, and he just lay there. I opened the back of the van to find the bags of money. I didn't have the time to count them all, but I grabbed one as proof. Running as fast as I could, I found the boss standing with Bugra. Showing him the money, "Here. I didn't take the money, I swear. It's all here. Don't kill me or Bugra, please!"

The mob boss looked at the money, and smiled. "Kill you? Who said anything about killing you? I just wanted to talk to you. I'd never kill one of my trusted employees. And, here you are with the money, just like promised."

I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not, but at that point, I didn't really have much of a choice. The two henchmen came up behind me, and grabbed my arms. I didn't even bother to struggle.

"Ah, boys, let 'em go. I want to talk to little Joey here for a bit. Privately." I was instantly released. And nudged in the direction of the boss. As I neared him, I put an arm around my shoulder. "You and I are going to have a bit of a talk." He led me inside one of the buildings. One side of the building was fixed with a tarp to keep the rain out. He muttered something about construction and then offered me a drink. I gladly accepted a scotch on the rocks, and we sat down in front of a television. I was freaking out a bit too much to notice what was on.

"Joey, being in charge is a tough job. There's so much pressure. On top of that, the wife has been acting a bit funny, lately. There's..." I started to zone out. This was just overwhelmingly surreal. Here was the head of one of the largest crime syndicates spilling his guts to me. He asked me if there was anything that'd been troubling me lately. I told him about this call I had gotten from an old flame of mine, and how it was just troubling to hear that voice again. He offered to take care of it for me. I wasn't sure whether he was joking or now, but I decided to decline, just in case. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about life and future plans together, just as if we had been old friends.

Call From Europe

:: censored ::

Stay (Just a little longer)

When I speak of happiness
I find myself singing for you
And I found I was wrong
Believing my heart dead and blue

And sleepless nights fade
Within your warm embrace
Your soft touch so gentle
Your kiss so sweet and safe

So, please stay with me
Just a little while longer
I so often feel so weak
With you, I am stronger

When I speak of the good things
In which life holds in store
I find myself thinking of you
I find myself wanting you more

And those thoughts of emptiness
Disappear in morning’s light
Waking in peace complete
Finding you still by my side

So, please stay with me
Just a little while longer
I so often feel so weak
For you, I am stronger

- Solus

End of the Basketball Game

It was the final seconds of the game. The team was up by one, but we just got ourselves into a "1 and 1" situation. If they made both baskets, we would lose the game. It's one of those situations you hate to get into when you're a coach. They lined up down at the foul line. Swish... Damn. Tied game. "Time Out!" I yell to the ref. It's one of those tricks used to rattle the shooter. Make him sweat it out a bit and feel the pressure. We'd only have one shot at this, so this is where it all came down to it. I took out my dry erase board and everyone gathered around. "Okay, we can not let them get this rebound. I want you and you under the basket hitting those boards hard. Brian, Rich. You two will line up at half-court. Sam, I want you to line up at mid-court and when the shot goes up to run toward the basket for a long pass. Everyone got it?" I got a few nods out of them, which was all I expected. "Okay, everyone in."

Marriage Advice

To be honest, I was quite surprised when I answered the phone. I generally don't answer numbers I don't recognize, but I decided at that moment to change that. This decision brought me perhaps one of the most surreal moments of my life. On the other line was a voice I had never expected to hear again. He called me to tell me he was asked to write a column on the ideal divorce. Since he was about to be married, he thought this was a strange request, and wanted some information on me. His previous marriage had not worked out well, despite parenting several children. He was cordial, as always, and we caught up on our lives quickly. There really wasn't much for me to say, since I've just been working every day. He said that my "divorce" was probably the closest to ideal that he knew of, since we didn't fight anymore. This was a true fact, largely because his daughter and I were no longer on speaking terms. It was hard for me to explain to him that this wasn't actually ideal to me. Rather, it just seemed like the necessary logical step for the two of us to proceed in life.

Wedding Preparation

It was the morning of my father's wedding. And, when I say morning, I mean very early morning. I had to wake up early to take care of a few arrangements in town, but it was still dark and the fog was very thick. I got into my father's pick-up truck and started driving, having to stop several times to see where I was going, and to make sure I didn't hit any parked cars. At one point, I stopped with a car in front of me. I got out to see where else I could go, but it turned out that I was just facing a house and my headlights were bouncing back at me.

As I reached the bottom of the hill, the density of the fog increased rapidly. It became so thick, that I could barely see a few feet in front of my car. That's when things went horribly wrong. Driving along, I thought I was on the road, turns out I was on someone's driveway. I rammed through a garage door, and proceed to crash through the wall into a living room, and then through a large living room window. Miraculously and disastrously, I managed to drive right through the first floor of someone's house.

Out in the woods behind the house, I decided to keep driving, hoping there was no way they could connect me to the crime at all. I really don't know what came over me, but I knew that no good would come of this for me. And, I drove through the woods, by a small stream that ran behind the town. Eventually, I could see the back of buildings through the trees, so I decided to head into town. Of course, my paranoia was off the charts, and I worried each second that I'd be arrested.

I parked the truck in an out of way place, hoping that no one would see it. I went into a few shops that I had to go into for my father's wedding. The last shop I went into was an old-fashioned toy shop. By this point, I was starting to worry about heading back to my truck. The next thing I did I cannot tell you why I did it. It surprised even me, since it'd been so long since we'd last spoken, for better or for worse. I called her. She was slightly surprised to hear from me, but as always she played it cool. And we just talked about how everything was going. It was good to know that things were going very well for her. She was still with her girlfriend, nearly a year now. And, it was good talking to her, even if briefly.

After we hung up, I remained in the toy store briefly before heading out to find my fate.

The Fencers

It began with an argument, the details of which seem lost in the terrible anger it caused the two men. The mansion was lit throughout with candles, casting an eerie glow upon everything. One man picked up the blade in order to defend the honor of another. The other man drew his sword with a sense of pride. The rules were simple, draw blood three times and you were deemed the winner. The rapiers were untipped, and the light dazzled upon the sharp points. The fight that ensued pushed the men around the great mansion's corridors. The quick slashes hissed in the air, and the blood drawn sprayed the walls in thin droplets. Tables were broken and lamps were extinguished. Finally, the men ended in the kitchen. The proud man lay on the floor with the tip of a rapier directly above his chest where his heart beat rapidly. "Do you yield?" questioned the honorable man. "I do." And, with that, the weapon released by the proud man gave a tinny cry as it slide across the floor.

Husband and Wife

I was confronted in the late afternoon by the three artists. I knew instantly who they were, and of what they were capable. I just never believed that it would happen to me, to whom nothing extraordinary ever occurred. I lived a simple life on the coast with my husband, who made a living in fishing. The purple seas rose and fell behind the women. They knew I was powerless to stop them. Isn't it folly to defy the gods? I pleaded with them to return my husband to me. Their response was just the cold laughter. They asked me to look where I was standing and take him back myself. Indeed, I just then noticed I was standing within the center of a pentagram. I knelt down immediately and prayed to the goddess, Athena. "Oh, goddess of shrewdness and wisdom, grant me the power to exact revenge upon those who have stolen my livelihood, and condemned me to death!" The goddess was kind to me, as she had always been to me and my family. I watched in horror as the muses behind me lost their godhead to become mortal. Upon this recognition, I seized upon this opportunity and struck one of these former dieties. However, my arms were not strong enough to defeat them. I cursed my ineptitude and frailty. Instead of a physical defeat I opted on a different approach. "If you will not return my husband, I will claim one of you as my own." Of them, I picked the most attractive and claimed her as my own.

Surface Chemistry

My mentor asked me to sit in on his surface chemistry class, again. I had taken it a few years prior, so while it wasn't anything new and refreshing, I figured it couldn't hurt to hear it all again. Maybe, it would set in more firmly in my head. I saw the students casually stroll in. As I looked across the classroom, I saw her sitting in the middle talking to a friend. It was a strange class for her to be taking, since she had no experience in chemistry, as far as I knew. I couldn't recall the last time we spoke, so I sat to the right and in front. I was sure she noticed me coming in, but still she kept on talking to her friend. I wondered to myself if she would ask me to help her with the course material, since having been through it, I knew that it was pretty intense. My mentor came in and set his books down.