And all those evenings swearing at the sky
Wishing for more time
All the promises we broke when we tried
Just wasting all our time
- A.T.E.
One day I'll write an essay comparing the first two albums by that band, because they were quick well put together and clearly intended for contrast. One day.
I have about three weeks left. And then everything just goes crazy.
I leave the country, move in with my girlfriend, start my post-doc, etc. Just craziness. My parents are not too thrilled about me leaving the country and being away for a couple of years. Everyone just seems to be moving farther and farther away. The word "diaspora" keeps popping into my head. It's a very pretty, but sad word.
I packed up my room this past weekend, so now it's just filled with my mattress and a bunch of garbage. It'll be strange to leave. I know all the roads in this town. As I was packing, I found a box of notes from high school, which was very strange. It's incredible how everything seemed so important then, and now they just aren't. Ten year reunion would be next year, if I remember correctly.
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Hopeless these three year
Like smoking gears
- ATE
I sometimes have trouble reconciling the place I'm in, and the person I am, and the person I feel I am.
I am here, and I'm a scientist. But, I still feel the 90's grunge kid inside of me wondering what I've become. Wondering who all of these people are around me. I still dress like a 90's grunge kid. I haven't changed that much in all of these years. Someone commented on my flannel tonight, and it made me realize that this style of dress doesn't mean what is used to mean. And, it made me wonder what it actually used to mean, anyway. I guess it always had something to do with being honest to others and yourself. I just don't see that anymore. There are few people with whom I'm honest, nowadays. It's a product of my own disillusionment with certain people. But, I still have complete honesty with a few people. I can name three in total. And, I know, regardless of what I tell them, whether in shady desparation, or in late night revelations, they will listen to me and not question me. They will call me out on my bullshit, but they will recognize the feelings I have. I guess, I mean to say that I have a few people who understand me.
I am grateful for that.
I wish I could get back one more person whom I miss terribly. I've realized that she will always have a place in my life.
Like smoking gears
- ATE
I sometimes have trouble reconciling the place I'm in, and the person I am, and the person I feel I am.
I am here, and I'm a scientist. But, I still feel the 90's grunge kid inside of me wondering what I've become. Wondering who all of these people are around me. I still dress like a 90's grunge kid. I haven't changed that much in all of these years. Someone commented on my flannel tonight, and it made me realize that this style of dress doesn't mean what is used to mean. And, it made me wonder what it actually used to mean, anyway. I guess it always had something to do with being honest to others and yourself. I just don't see that anymore. There are few people with whom I'm honest, nowadays. It's a product of my own disillusionment with certain people. But, I still have complete honesty with a few people. I can name three in total. And, I know, regardless of what I tell them, whether in shady desparation, or in late night revelations, they will listen to me and not question me. They will call me out on my bullshit, but they will recognize the feelings I have. I guess, I mean to say that I have a few people who understand me.
I am grateful for that.
I wish I could get back one more person whom I miss terribly. I've realized that she will always have a place in my life.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Perfect Space
I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.
Will you understand …when I am to hold up a man?
And will you forget when we have paid our debt
who did we borrow from? Who did we borrow from?
Okay part two now clear the house.
The party’s over take the shouting and the people, get out.
I have some business and a promise that I have to hold to.
I do not care what you assume or what the people tell you.
Will you understand, when I am too old of a man?
Will you forget when we have paid our debt,
who did we borrow from, who did borrow from?
I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.
And I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ll become and not the man that I was.
- Avett Brothers
My back aches. My foot hurts. I'm not as young as I used to be, and I can feel it in my bones. And, for a second today, I was scared of my own mortality. But, I remember that the gods envy mankind for our mortality. And it makes me feel better.
I want to have friends that love me for the man I've become, and not the man I was. Because, I'm very much a different person than 5 years ago. A little slower. A little more thoughtful. But, still willfully unthinking.
Jackson Browne does an excellent version of "A Thousand Kisses Deep".
I've accepted a position in Germany. Tom asked me if I was excited, but I've been too busy to be excited yet. I'm sure the reality will set in soon. But, honestly, I'm already planning the next major step in my life. So much is going to change in the next six months, it's hard to even imagine it.
Hate, Hate your enemies
Save, Save your friends
Find, Find your place
Speak, Speak the truth
Amare, Semper.
I miss her, and I'm surprised by how much.
She blocked everyone out. No password to unlock the secrets.
I don't remember her face. And, it doesn't bother me.
My mistake, we'll never speak again.
I wonder where she is now.
I should probably call her.
I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.
Will you understand …when I am to hold up a man?
And will you forget when we have paid our debt
who did we borrow from? Who did we borrow from?
Okay part two now clear the house.
The party’s over take the shouting and the people, get out.
I have some business and a promise that I have to hold to.
I do not care what you assume or what the people tell you.
Will you understand, when I am too old of a man?
Will you forget when we have paid our debt,
who did we borrow from, who did borrow from?
I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.
And I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ll become and not the man that I was.
- Avett Brothers
My back aches. My foot hurts. I'm not as young as I used to be, and I can feel it in my bones. And, for a second today, I was scared of my own mortality. But, I remember that the gods envy mankind for our mortality. And it makes me feel better.
I want to have friends that love me for the man I've become, and not the man I was. Because, I'm very much a different person than 5 years ago. A little slower. A little more thoughtful. But, still willfully unthinking.
Jackson Browne does an excellent version of "A Thousand Kisses Deep".
I've accepted a position in Germany. Tom asked me if I was excited, but I've been too busy to be excited yet. I'm sure the reality will set in soon. But, honestly, I'm already planning the next major step in my life. So much is going to change in the next six months, it's hard to even imagine it.
Hate, Hate your enemies
Save, Save your friends
Find, Find your place
Speak, Speak the truth
Amare, Semper.
I miss her, and I'm surprised by how much.
She blocked everyone out. No password to unlock the secrets.
I don't remember her face. And, it doesn't bother me.
My mistake, we'll never speak again.
I wonder where she is now.
I should probably call her.
Friday, November 18, 2011
My dreams have been very, very intense the last few nights. And, I haven't been able to sleep much. But, last night, I was met by a half-man, half-cat god. And, I asked him, "When will it be ready?" He replied, "Before the time comes." And, half jokingly, I asked him, "When will I be ready?" He told me, "When you need to be."
And for some reason, that half-cat, half-man god creature told me exactly what I needed to know.
And for some reason, that half-cat, half-man god creature told me exactly what I needed to know.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
As I requested the lapse in your presence
I couldn't think of anything
Important to say
So, I wondered
When this day will end
I wonder...
If we'd speak again
Ya, I wonder.
- Pete Yorn
There have been so many things on my mind, lately.
First, I need to apologize to you. It's not often that I am so far in the wrong. So far out of line. And, there's nothing I can say that will justify how I've acted. There is nothing I can say that could set that right. And, really, I don't think there is any forgiveness for which I could hope. I burned that bridge to the ground. But, it doesn't mean I don't miss you terribly. I dream about you all the time. You came to my wedding. It was very good to see you again and to talk to you. You, of course, gave me a hard time, but that's kinda how it always was with us, anyway. So, I'm sorry for being a dick. I carry you with me everywhere I go. I miss you.
I had the realization a few days ago, just how far from my past I've become. Sean always said I was running from my problems with everything I did. I don't think that's exactly true. I "ran" from my problems by completely removing everything from my life, and starting over. Anyway, I was looking at the undergrads who swarm all over campus, and I realized just how far away from that I am now. I notice myself drifting further from that time. I don't wax nostalgic about these things, either. I'm just looking at all the things that used to be what I called "ordinary", and really, none of those things exist in my life anymore. The few things I was able to salvage from that period of my life... I find myself drifting away. I don't have the common ground anymore. I find myself thinking so far forward.
The paths I started going down 8 years ago are coming to fruition. But, when I started down these things, I didn't realize how much would change because of it. How much would be lost along the way. Not to say that I haven't gained anything important. I have found a very important person. But come this time next year, I won't even be living in this country. This path takes me further and further away from where it started. I'm becoming increasingly ruthless and clinical. That might just be the scientist in me, but I can feel my thought process is very different now than it was even a few years ago. Every move is purposeful and efficient.
It's been a long time since there's been a tangible goal. I had forgotten how focused I become when there is something that I really want. I am going to Germany. I have two seminars at MPI-Mainz, and CSI-Darmstadt. I will hopefully have two more established for my two weeks there. It's just strange to feel this graduate career coming to an end. I don't really feel anything. It feels like just another thing to put behind me. The hurdles I have to overcome. And, always, I feel like I am always moving forward. It worries me that I won't be able to stop. What happens when I become a professor? When this end goal is reached? Do I know how to stop? Do I know how to rest? Will I constantly lose people as I go along? Because this end goal is only a few years away. I had this discussion with my committee members. That I need to think through the next four years of my life now, and the things I need to do to get what I want. It's very strange, really.
My friend, Kate, says I'm very strange because I know exactly what I want, and really always have. She's says what's really strange about me is that, because of this, I don't really understand people who don't know what they want to do with their lives. I think part of that reason is that I know what I want to do. I think the other part is that I don't really believe there are any wrong choices. If you go work for a company for 2-3 years, and find you hate it there, you can always leave and find a new job, or new career path. But, regardless, you will have learned something. It's impossible to waste time. When you die, your life doesn't get graded on a scale of 1 to 10. You don't even get a finisher's medal. You're just dead. So, while you're living, if you decide on something that didn't work out, you can always change direction. Unless of course, you get a sex change, become an alcoholic, and prostitute yourself for drug money. That could be hard to come back from. But, then you could write this really kick-ass book about how you did all of those things, and be on Oprah's book list. Trust your instincts. Don't worry so much about the future. It'll get here one way or another. And, I know you will be amazing in anything you do.
Today (well, at this point, technically yesterday), was my two year anniversary. It's amazing how fast that time goes. I have no idea why she is even with me. She is seriously the sweetest, most caring person I have ever met. And I'm... not so much. A strawberry farmer's daughter. It's really kinda funny how that works out. I knew she was perfect for me when she thought Airplane! was one of the most hilarious movies she's ever seen. I can still remember the first night we met. It was at a department party. I pulled the "we have the same birthday" pick-up on her (and yes, we do have the same birthday). It's a risky attempt with a 0.27% chance of actually working. But, I pulled it off, and I'm very happy I did.
Anyway, it's late. I need to sleep. I hope you are well. I hope everything works out.
Love always,
joe
P.S. If you get a chance, listen to "Sail" by AWOLnation. It's surprisingly addictive.
I couldn't think of anything
Important to say
So, I wondered
When this day will end
I wonder...
If we'd speak again
Ya, I wonder.
- Pete Yorn
There have been so many things on my mind, lately.
First, I need to apologize to you. It's not often that I am so far in the wrong. So far out of line. And, there's nothing I can say that will justify how I've acted. There is nothing I can say that could set that right. And, really, I don't think there is any forgiveness for which I could hope. I burned that bridge to the ground. But, it doesn't mean I don't miss you terribly. I dream about you all the time. You came to my wedding. It was very good to see you again and to talk to you. You, of course, gave me a hard time, but that's kinda how it always was with us, anyway. So, I'm sorry for being a dick. I carry you with me everywhere I go. I miss you.
I had the realization a few days ago, just how far from my past I've become. Sean always said I was running from my problems with everything I did. I don't think that's exactly true. I "ran" from my problems by completely removing everything from my life, and starting over. Anyway, I was looking at the undergrads who swarm all over campus, and I realized just how far away from that I am now. I notice myself drifting further from that time. I don't wax nostalgic about these things, either. I'm just looking at all the things that used to be what I called "ordinary", and really, none of those things exist in my life anymore. The few things I was able to salvage from that period of my life... I find myself drifting away. I don't have the common ground anymore. I find myself thinking so far forward.
The paths I started going down 8 years ago are coming to fruition. But, when I started down these things, I didn't realize how much would change because of it. How much would be lost along the way. Not to say that I haven't gained anything important. I have found a very important person. But come this time next year, I won't even be living in this country. This path takes me further and further away from where it started. I'm becoming increasingly ruthless and clinical. That might just be the scientist in me, but I can feel my thought process is very different now than it was even a few years ago. Every move is purposeful and efficient.
It's been a long time since there's been a tangible goal. I had forgotten how focused I become when there is something that I really want. I am going to Germany. I have two seminars at MPI-Mainz, and CSI-Darmstadt. I will hopefully have two more established for my two weeks there. It's just strange to feel this graduate career coming to an end. I don't really feel anything. It feels like just another thing to put behind me. The hurdles I have to overcome. And, always, I feel like I am always moving forward. It worries me that I won't be able to stop. What happens when I become a professor? When this end goal is reached? Do I know how to stop? Do I know how to rest? Will I constantly lose people as I go along? Because this end goal is only a few years away. I had this discussion with my committee members. That I need to think through the next four years of my life now, and the things I need to do to get what I want. It's very strange, really.
My friend, Kate, says I'm very strange because I know exactly what I want, and really always have. She's says what's really strange about me is that, because of this, I don't really understand people who don't know what they want to do with their lives. I think part of that reason is that I know what I want to do. I think the other part is that I don't really believe there are any wrong choices. If you go work for a company for 2-3 years, and find you hate it there, you can always leave and find a new job, or new career path. But, regardless, you will have learned something. It's impossible to waste time. When you die, your life doesn't get graded on a scale of 1 to 10. You don't even get a finisher's medal. You're just dead. So, while you're living, if you decide on something that didn't work out, you can always change direction. Unless of course, you get a sex change, become an alcoholic, and prostitute yourself for drug money. That could be hard to come back from. But, then you could write this really kick-ass book about how you did all of those things, and be on Oprah's book list. Trust your instincts. Don't worry so much about the future. It'll get here one way or another. And, I know you will be amazing in anything you do.
Today (well, at this point, technically yesterday), was my two year anniversary. It's amazing how fast that time goes. I have no idea why she is even with me. She is seriously the sweetest, most caring person I have ever met. And I'm... not so much. A strawberry farmer's daughter. It's really kinda funny how that works out. I knew she was perfect for me when she thought Airplane! was one of the most hilarious movies she's ever seen. I can still remember the first night we met. It was at a department party. I pulled the "we have the same birthday" pick-up on her (and yes, we do have the same birthday). It's a risky attempt with a 0.27% chance of actually working. But, I pulled it off, and I'm very happy I did.
Anyway, it's late. I need to sleep. I hope you are well. I hope everything works out.
Love always,
joe
P.S. If you get a chance, listen to "Sail" by AWOLnation. It's surprisingly addictive.
Friday, March 25, 2011
How'd you get so far away
There's nothing more to say
You told me long ago to leave
fate to itself
But, I'm gonna need help
The coast is clearly not on my side now
If it ever was
- Rival Schools
Every now and then there is a day to remind you of everything that has happened and will happen still. I had a day like that today. I've been sick for the last few days with some nasty cold or another, and my dreams have been... well, intense. My dreams remind me of things that I have lost. Of the things that I was unable to change. And there are some things that will most likely haunt me forever, because I did not have the capability to change that fate. Some of that fate was my own choosing. Some of it was my mistakes. And, the rest were things that I could not have foreseen or controlled.
I have done everything I can to move on, and live a good life beyond the remainder of a shattered dream. And, I have had a great life since then. I was kinda in a nostalgic funk, lately, remembering all of the things I have lost. The comfort of friends I have lost. The 'friends' who can now grip my heart in terror. But, something great happened for me today. And, I am glad that I am where I am, despite all of that. My friend, Mai, said she had never seen me happy until she saw me before the Rival Schools show. I was like a little kid with free reign of a toy shop. And, I feel that way again today.
And it reminded me of all the things in my past that I am happy for as well. Even things that seemed so terrible at the time. Like, getting hit in the groin by an errant softball in the middle of a park, on what was supposed to be a relaxing evening in the sun. It was like God kicking you in the groin. That moment made me realize that I had a good friend with me. It reminded me that God has a good sense of humor, so I shouldn't let the world drag me down. I miss that feeling, but I am also never coming back. I've always wondered if it was possible to start again. When I finally broke things off with Gen, I knew that the only way we could possibly be amicable in the future was as complete strangers. Now, I am a complete stranger to nearly everyone I used to know. And, really, nearly everyone in general. Is it possible to start again?
I've got a JACS paper coming out soon. I've found the sweetest girlfriend in the entire world. She's the daughter of a strawberry farmer. I have walked through strawberry fields in the summer. I have traveled the world with her. I will hopefully get my doctorate in a little over a year. Life is going well.
I miss you all. I really, truly do. I have the greatest memories. I have the most terrible ghosts.
But, I'm not really sorry for any of it. And, I never will be. I'd apologize for that. But, you know I'd be lying. I will carry you with me. Like Aeneas carried his penates across the seas.
I will find a new home. The future is bright.
There's nothing more to say
You told me long ago to leave
fate to itself
But, I'm gonna need help
The coast is clearly not on my side now
If it ever was
- Rival Schools
Every now and then there is a day to remind you of everything that has happened and will happen still. I had a day like that today. I've been sick for the last few days with some nasty cold or another, and my dreams have been... well, intense. My dreams remind me of things that I have lost. Of the things that I was unable to change. And there are some things that will most likely haunt me forever, because I did not have the capability to change that fate. Some of that fate was my own choosing. Some of it was my mistakes. And, the rest were things that I could not have foreseen or controlled.
I have done everything I can to move on, and live a good life beyond the remainder of a shattered dream. And, I have had a great life since then. I was kinda in a nostalgic funk, lately, remembering all of the things I have lost. The comfort of friends I have lost. The 'friends' who can now grip my heart in terror. But, something great happened for me today. And, I am glad that I am where I am, despite all of that. My friend, Mai, said she had never seen me happy until she saw me before the Rival Schools show. I was like a little kid with free reign of a toy shop. And, I feel that way again today.
And it reminded me of all the things in my past that I am happy for as well. Even things that seemed so terrible at the time. Like, getting hit in the groin by an errant softball in the middle of a park, on what was supposed to be a relaxing evening in the sun. It was like God kicking you in the groin. That moment made me realize that I had a good friend with me. It reminded me that God has a good sense of humor, so I shouldn't let the world drag me down. I miss that feeling, but I am also never coming back. I've always wondered if it was possible to start again. When I finally broke things off with Gen, I knew that the only way we could possibly be amicable in the future was as complete strangers. Now, I am a complete stranger to nearly everyone I used to know. And, really, nearly everyone in general. Is it possible to start again?
I've got a JACS paper coming out soon. I've found the sweetest girlfriend in the entire world. She's the daughter of a strawberry farmer. I have walked through strawberry fields in the summer. I have traveled the world with her. I will hopefully get my doctorate in a little over a year. Life is going well.
I miss you all. I really, truly do. I have the greatest memories. I have the most terrible ghosts.
But, I'm not really sorry for any of it. And, I never will be. I'd apologize for that. But, you know I'd be lying. I will carry you with me. Like Aeneas carried his penates across the seas.
I will find a new home. The future is bright.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
you say you mean well
you don't know what you mean
Fuckin' oughta stay the hell away
From things you know nothing about
- Elliott Smith
Pretentious with my glass of "not-so-fine" port. I wish I could be more oblique, but sometimes it's hard to be subtle in the face of such overwhelming... crap. Or perhaps, it is indeed the venom I feel coursing throughout my emotions so often. I'm not too sure. It's food for thought, I suppose.
But, really, does anyone really care?
you don't know what you mean
Fuckin' oughta stay the hell away
From things you know nothing about
- Elliott Smith
Pretentious with my glass of "not-so-fine" port. I wish I could be more oblique, but sometimes it's hard to be subtle in the face of such overwhelming... crap. Or perhaps, it is indeed the venom I feel coursing throughout my emotions so often. I'm not too sure. It's food for thought, I suppose.
But, really, does anyone really care?
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