Hopeless these three year
Like smoking gears

- ATE

I sometimes have trouble reconciling the place I'm in, and the person I am, and the person I feel I am.

I am here, and I'm a scientist. But, I still feel the 90's grunge kid inside of me wondering what I've become. Wondering who all of these people are around me. I still dress like a 90's grunge kid. I haven't changed that much in all of these years. Someone commented on my flannel tonight, and it made me realize that this style of dress doesn't mean what is used to mean. And, it made me wonder what it actually used to mean, anyway. I guess it always had something to do with being honest to others and yourself. I just don't see that anymore. There are few people with whom I'm honest, nowadays. It's a product of my own disillusionment with certain people. But, I still have complete honesty with a few people. I can name three in total. And, I know, regardless of what I tell them, whether in shady desparation, or in late night revelations, they will listen to me and not question me. They will call me out on my bullshit, but they will recognize the feelings I have. I guess, I mean to say that I have a few people who understand me.

I am grateful for that.

I wish I could get back one more person whom I miss terribly. I've realized that she will always have a place in my life.