As I requested the lapse in your presence
I couldn't think of anything
Important to say

So, I wondered
When this day will end
I wonder...
If we'd speak again

Ya, I wonder.

- Pete Yorn

There have been so many things on my mind, lately.

First, I need to apologize to you. It's not often that I am so far in the wrong. So far out of line. And, there's nothing I can say that will justify how I've acted. There is nothing I can say that could set that right. And, really, I don't think there is any forgiveness for which I could hope. I burned that bridge to the ground. But, it doesn't mean I don't miss you terribly. I dream about you all the time. You came to my wedding. It was very good to see you again and to talk to you. You, of course, gave me a hard time, but that's kinda how it always was with us, anyway. So, I'm sorry for being a dick. I carry you with me everywhere I go. I miss you.

I had the realization a few days ago, just how far from my past I've become. Sean always said I was running from my problems with everything I did. I don't think that's exactly true. I "ran" from my problems by completely removing everything from my life, and starting over. Anyway, I was looking at the undergrads who swarm all over campus, and I realized just how far away from that I am now. I notice myself drifting further from that time. I don't wax nostalgic about these things, either. I'm just looking at all the things that used to be what I called "ordinary", and really, none of those things exist in my life anymore. The few things I was able to salvage from that period of my life... I find myself drifting away. I don't have the common ground anymore. I find myself thinking so far forward.

The paths I started going down 8 years ago are coming to fruition. But, when I started down these things, I didn't realize how much would change because of it. How much would be lost along the way. Not to say that I haven't gained anything important. I have found a very important person. But come this time next year, I won't even be living in this country. This path takes me further and further away from where it started. I'm becoming increasingly ruthless and clinical. That might just be the scientist in me, but I can feel my thought process is very different now than it was even a few years ago. Every move is purposeful and efficient.

It's been a long time since there's been a tangible goal. I had forgotten how focused I become when there is something that I really want. I am going to Germany. I have two seminars at MPI-Mainz, and CSI-Darmstadt. I will hopefully have two more established for my two weeks there. It's just strange to feel this graduate career coming to an end. I don't really feel anything. It feels like just another thing to put behind me. The hurdles I have to overcome. And, always, I feel like I am always moving forward. It worries me that I won't be able to stop. What happens when I become a professor? When this end goal is reached? Do I know how to stop? Do I know how to rest? Will I constantly lose people as I go along? Because this end goal is only a few years away. I had this discussion with my committee members. That I need to think through the next four years of my life now, and the things I need to do to get what I want. It's very strange, really.

My friend, Kate, says I'm very strange because I know exactly what I want, and really always have. She's says what's really strange about me is that, because of this, I don't really understand people who don't know what they want to do with their lives. I think part of that reason is that I know what I want to do. I think the other part is that I don't really believe there are any wrong choices. If you go work for a company for 2-3 years, and find you hate it there, you can always leave and find a new job, or new career path. But, regardless, you will have learned something. It's impossible to waste time. When you die, your life doesn't get graded on a scale of 1 to 10. You don't even get a finisher's medal. You're just dead. So, while you're living, if you decide on something that didn't work out, you can always change direction. Unless of course, you get a sex change, become an alcoholic, and prostitute yourself for drug money. That could be hard to come back from. But, then you could write this really kick-ass book about how you did all of those things, and be on Oprah's book list. Trust your instincts. Don't worry so much about the future. It'll get here one way or another. And, I know you will be amazing in anything you do.

Today (well, at this point, technically yesterday), was my two year anniversary. It's amazing how fast that time goes. I have no idea why she is even with me. She is seriously the sweetest, most caring person I have ever met. And I'm... not so much. A strawberry farmer's daughter. It's really kinda funny how that works out. I knew she was perfect for me when she thought Airplane! was one of the most hilarious movies she's ever seen. I can still remember the first night we met. It was at a department party. I pulled the "we have the same birthday" pick-up on her (and yes, we do have the same birthday). It's a risky attempt with a 0.27% chance of actually working. But, I pulled it off, and I'm very happy I did.

Anyway, it's late. I need to sleep. I hope you are well. I hope everything works out.

Love always,
joe

P.S. If you get a chance, listen to "Sail" by AWOLnation. It's surprisingly addictive.