Dream #57

You called to me last night
A melancholy song through the phone
How did you know I’d still be home?

I told you I was still alone
But, that I was doing just fine
I don’t stay home anymore
On Saturday night

Still, I haven’t forgotten you
So, darling, do not fear
You’re on my mind this time of year

And, I can finally see it clear
What else was I supposed to do?
Even the best plans fall through

Oh, love, you sound so distressed
Now, please do not be upset
There is nothing that I regret
There is nothing that I forget

I told you it was good to hear your voice
One of the sweetest things in this life
Oh, everything will be all right
Everything will be all right

Oh, I still miss you
That much is true
I hope you still miss me too

- Solus

Driving with Nirvana

I often don't understand how I find myself in these situations, but I've learned to stop questioning them. There really isn't any over-riding logic towards the events in my life. So, when Kurt said he wanted to drive to Washington to see Krist, I didn't think much of it. Besides, a cross-country drive seemed like a lot of fun. Of course, a cross-country trip wouldn't be complete without picking up Dave in Virginia.

And so, we picked up Dave and drove, for several days. We didn't really talk all the much, really. There was nothing that needed to be said. We all took turns making our way across the country, sleeping when we could. When we reached Washington, Kurt was driving. Dave was sleeping in the back next to me, while I stared out at the passing cars on a rainy, miserable washington afternoon. Dave woke up and sleepily asked, "How close are we?"

Kurt responded, "We still have a couple more hours, probably."

"Where is Krist living nowadays, anyway?"

"He's living in Wahkiakum, but we're not going there. We're gonna meet him at his summer house."

I finally chimed in with a "must be good to be a big rich rock star." Dave just agreed, and the rain kept coming.

Right Up to the Dying Embers

I've been able to speak about it again, recently. So much time has gone by now, that it feels like it was someone else. In reality, it hasn't been that long, and sometimes saying the words aloud does offer up a sharp pain, that if I wasn't paying attention, I might not have noticed was there. Now, I've said much of this to people long ago. But, I feel like I should just mention something about it, since I'm the sentimental type.

This Friday is May 22, 2009. I had programmed this date into my phone nearly three years ago. I honestly don't know why I programmed it into my phone, but it made me happy to do so, at the time. I guess it's okay to be excited about getting married. It would have been exactly six and a half years ago that we had first started dating. Well, okay, to be honest, the wedding would probably have been either May 23rd or 24th, but I honestly don't think that's important. The proposal would have most likely been at the beach, under some moonlight. I toyed around with the site of our first kiss, but honestly, the parking deck of the Bridgewater Commons isn't that romantic. Still, it does hold some sentimentality to me, so I thought about it. Two year engagement during grad school to find our feet on our own, and then the marriage. Joseph and Genevieve Krumpfer. Haha, my name never looked good with hers. Genevieve is too sweet sounding and Krumpfer is just a harsh German name.

Now, maybe I'm a jerk for bringing up such an old memory/dream. Especially one that feels like it belongs to someone else. Perhaps that's why it's so much easier for me to talk about it, now. Because it belongs to someone else.

It's been a year since I've seen her. She came to visit me in Northampton. I unwittingly took her to a gay pride parade. :-) It was pretty priceless, actually. "Darling, I just want you to know that I support you no matter what you decide." Still have that purple tote bag too, but the bottom is starting to fall off. I knew then that we were over, but sometimes dreams are hard to let go of, no matter how painful they can be. And, I soon came to realize that it was exactly what it was. Just a painful, painful relationship, for both of us. It took me so long to realize this, too. Far too long, actually. But, you learn with experience, I guess. If I stayed in her life, I knew that all I could ever do for her is hurt her, and she would do exactly the same to me. She had already found someone who could be good for her, and I was just a stumbling block in that situation. I didn't want her to cry over me. I didn't want her to feel any more pain. I just wanted her to be happy. So, I made the decision to leave. I know I'll never be sure whether it was the right decision or not. I like to believe it was, since from what little I know, she seems to be doing very well, and is still in her relationship. I don't know for sure.

I tried talking to her a few times in the fall. But, it really just affirmed that I was no longer a welcome person in her life. Nothing I couldn't understand. So, I've just let it be. Regardless, I still think of her often. Mostly in good ways, now, but not always.

And, since then, my life has been a rollercoaster ride. I went through the stage where I honestly thought that I would never find anyone else again. But, I did, even for the briefest of moments. Everyone in Massachusetts says it's the only time they've ever seen me be really happy. Long distances are nearly impossible, though. And our lives were just in two different places. Still, it was a very nice time, she was beautiful and I could have easily seen things going much differently, had circumstances been other than what they were. I miss her now too.

I miss a lot of people, actually. I can't say I'm not haunted by these things. I can't say that I'm not emotionally and physically scarred. But, I've found a very good place now. I've had some crazy adventures, and met a lot of really interesting people. I'm grateful for the people that I have managed to hold on to, and the one that just refused to go away, no matter how hard I tried. I'm grateful for the new people who have come into my life. Whether as guest characters or new regulars, these people have definitely made for some very interesting tales. And, no not all of them are good, but they are highly entertaining to me. I'm curious to figure out Dana. Hopefully, it's not as straightforward as it seems to be. But, even if it is, it's still a good time. And, I have a half marathon race this weekend in VT which should be a lot of fun.

Alright, I've been too sentimental. But, May is a very sentimental month for me, for a lot of reasons. So, I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass somehow.

Molly

I see you naked in the bath
Cigarette stains on your hands
Wilted flowers in a vase
I ask how are you
Ya, how are you?

I see your lipstick on the glass
I think you're drunk and start to laugh
I find your note
The letters ran
It said 'I loved you'
Ya, "I loved you"

Don't ask why
(Sixteen candles down the...)

I watch you passed out for awhile
I touch your face, you start to smile
And on your note is my reply
"I wish I loved you"
Ya, I wish I loved you

But, don't ask why

Sixteen candles down the drain

- Sponge


This song has always been a very important song to me. Don't ask why, but I woke up every morning in the summer of '02 listening to this song. The summer of '02 was arguably the worst period of my life (only rivaled by the summer of '07). But, it's that feeling of "I wish I loved you" that is so important in this song. Because, it comes both ways. The feelings we had, and may be gone. The feelings that, if we only could have them, would make our life so much better. It's a strange realization to come across. If you could be a different person, you'd be better off. If you could only love that person...

It reminds me of coming over and finding her drunk. After being away for so long, you just want to know how she is. And you pick her up from wherever she's fallen over. You don't ask why, you just do it. But, perhaps, that's what you're supposed to do, after all. You're not supposed to ask why. You're not really supposed to understand. And, I honestly don't. I know I never will. It has stopped bother me, but I still wish I did. And, you might feel like it's all been wasted. Like there's so much time just flushed away, but that's not really the point either.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, wherever and whomever you find yourself as, don't ask why. Just do what you know you have to do. And, it may break your heart, but it's still the right thing to do. And love when you can love. And when you can't love, wish you could.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen your face
But, I can still remember you
And just the way your lips taste
It’s been some time since I could understand
You do what you have to do
And I will do just what I can

I can still see within your blue eyes
The length of your long blonde hair
The curl of your body besides mine
Your memory recalls the sweetness of youth
And the depths that I would go to
Just to be, for a moment, near you

It hasn’t been so long since we last spoke
We spoke of love and life
As if it were still just a joke
It’s been awhile since I’ve seen your face
But, I still remember you
A heart remembers, even while it breaks

- Solus

Promises - Badly Drawn Boy

I promise you will get old
I promised you everything
To protect you wherever you go
I'll give you this diamond ring

Just promise you will remember
A promise should last forever
Right up to the dying embers
Of a fire that burns so slow

It's a different day everyday
Don't want you to walk alone
But how can we carry on
When all of these things have gone

Just promise you will remember
That promises last forever
Still after the last dying embers
Of a fire that burns so slowly

It's a beautiful thing to do
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Remember I do love you
Have courage in what you say

And promise you will remember
That promises last forever
Still after the dying embers
The fire that burns so slowly

And sometimes you just have to walk away
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Wishing today was yesterday
Yeah, sometimes you just have to walk away

- Badly Drawn Boy


Speaking today, without any words was enough. I don't think I could survive much more. Still, I am doing the best I can, and that's all I can do. I think this song is absolutely beautiful, and so appropriate in everything I've found. I wasn't very surprised, but I still just didn't want to know. I guess that's how these things go.

Waiting to Be Found Anew (or I’m Still Here)

If I should wander, or if I should err
Please believe in me; I will still be here
And if the silence should swallow
Every single note my heart sings to you
And if these dreams are filled with sorrow
I am waiting still to be found anew, by you

I may not have long now; I may not have much
But, I still believe in you, and I still believe in love
And if the taste should suddenly become bitter
And all your photos be forgotten in a hurry
I have not missed or lost a single silent letter
And my memory hasn’t become quite so blurry

To erase the vision of you in my arms,
The smile I loved, and tiny hands I’d hold
And leave you forgotten in the cold

I know I’m not perfect, nor is my life complete
I’ve just been waiting here, lost in my dreams
And if you should find yourself, one day, within your sleep
In places long forgotten and memories held so deep
I will remain adrift somewhere in this sea
And, I hope, someday, you will come and find me

- Solus