And all those evenings swearing at the sky
Wishing for more time
All the promises we broke when we tried
Just wasting all our time

 - A.T.E.

One day I'll write an essay comparing the first two albums by that band, because they were quick well put together and clearly intended for contrast. One day.

 I have about three weeks left. And then everything just goes crazy. I leave the country, move in with my girlfriend, start my post-doc, etc. Just craziness. My parents are not too thrilled about me leaving the country and being away for a couple of years. Everyone just seems to be moving farther and farther away. The word "diaspora" keeps popping into my head. It's a very pretty, but sad word.

I packed up my room this past weekend, so now it's just filled with my mattress and a bunch of garbage. It'll be strange to leave. I know all the roads in this town. As I was packing, I found a box of notes from high school, which was very strange. It's incredible how everything seemed so important then, and now they just aren't. Ten year reunion would be next year, if I remember correctly.

You know nothing, Jon Snow.

Hopeless these three year
Like smoking gears

- ATE

I sometimes have trouble reconciling the place I'm in, and the person I am, and the person I feel I am.

I am here, and I'm a scientist. But, I still feel the 90's grunge kid inside of me wondering what I've become. Wondering who all of these people are around me. I still dress like a 90's grunge kid. I haven't changed that much in all of these years. Someone commented on my flannel tonight, and it made me realize that this style of dress doesn't mean what is used to mean. And, it made me wonder what it actually used to mean, anyway. I guess it always had something to do with being honest to others and yourself. I just don't see that anymore. There are few people with whom I'm honest, nowadays. It's a product of my own disillusionment with certain people. But, I still have complete honesty with a few people. I can name three in total. And, I know, regardless of what I tell them, whether in shady desparation, or in late night revelations, they will listen to me and not question me. They will call me out on my bullshit, but they will recognize the feelings I have. I guess, I mean to say that I have a few people who understand me.

I am grateful for that.

I wish I could get back one more person whom I miss terribly. I've realized that she will always have a place in my life.

The Perfect Space

I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.
Will you understand …when I am to hold up a man?
And will you forget when we have paid our debt
who did we borrow from? Who did we borrow from?

Okay part two now clear the house.
The party’s over take the shouting and the people, get out.
I have some business and a promise that I have to hold to.
I do not care what you assume or what the people tell you.
Will you understand, when I am too old of a man?
Will you forget when we have paid our debt,
who did we borrow from, who did borrow from?

I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.
And I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ll become and not the man that I was.

- Avett Brothers

My back aches. My foot hurts. I'm not as young as I used to be, and I can feel it in my bones. And, for a second today, I was scared of my own mortality. But, I remember that the gods envy mankind for our mortality. And it makes me feel better.

I want to have friends that love me for the man I've become, and not the man I was. Because, I'm very much a different person than 5 years ago. A little slower. A little more thoughtful. But, still willfully unthinking.

Jackson Browne does an excellent version of "A Thousand Kisses Deep".

I've accepted a position in Germany. Tom asked me if I was excited, but I've been too busy to be excited yet. I'm sure the reality will set in soon. But, honestly, I'm already planning the next major step in my life. So much is going to change in the next six months, it's hard to even imagine it.

Hate, Hate your enemies
Save, Save your friends
Find, Find your place
Speak, Speak the truth

Amare, Semper.

I miss her, and I'm surprised by how much.

She blocked everyone out. No password to unlock the secrets.

I don't remember her face. And, it doesn't bother me.

My mistake, we'll never speak again.

I wonder where she is now.

I should probably call her.