How'd you get so far away
There's nothing more to say
You told me long ago to leave
fate to itself
But, I'm gonna need help
The coast is clearly not on my side now
If it ever was

- Rival Schools

Every now and then there is a day to remind you of everything that has happened and will happen still. I had a day like that today. I've been sick for the last few days with some nasty cold or another, and my dreams have been... well, intense. My dreams remind me of things that I have lost. Of the things that I was unable to change. And there are some things that will most likely haunt me forever, because I did not have the capability to change that fate. Some of that fate was my own choosing. Some of it was my mistakes. And, the rest were things that I could not have foreseen or controlled.

I have done everything I can to move on, and live a good life beyond the remainder of a shattered dream. And, I have had a great life since then. I was kinda in a nostalgic funk, lately, remembering all of the things I have lost. The comfort of friends I have lost. The 'friends' who can now grip my heart in terror. But, something great happened for me today. And, I am glad that I am where I am, despite all of that. My friend, Mai, said she had never seen me happy until she saw me before the Rival Schools show. I was like a little kid with free reign of a toy shop. And, I feel that way again today.

And it reminded me of all the things in my past that I am happy for as well. Even things that seemed so terrible at the time. Like, getting hit in the groin by an errant softball in the middle of a park, on what was supposed to be a relaxing evening in the sun. It was like God kicking you in the groin. That moment made me realize that I had a good friend with me. It reminded me that God has a good sense of humor, so I shouldn't let the world drag me down. I miss that feeling, but I am also never coming back. I've always wondered if it was possible to start again. When I finally broke things off with Gen, I knew that the only way we could possibly be amicable in the future was as complete strangers. Now, I am a complete stranger to nearly everyone I used to know. And, really, nearly everyone in general. Is it possible to start again?

I've got a JACS paper coming out soon. I've found the sweetest girlfriend in the entire world. She's the daughter of a strawberry farmer. I have walked through strawberry fields in the summer. I have traveled the world with her. I will hopefully get my doctorate in a little over a year. Life is going well.

I miss you all. I really, truly do. I have the greatest memories. I have the most terrible ghosts.

But, I'm not really sorry for any of it. And, I never will be. I'd apologize for that. But, you know I'd be lying. I will carry you with me. Like Aeneas carried his penates across the seas.

I will find a new home. The future is bright.