you run and you run to catch up with the sun,
but it's sinking

I've been listening to Deer Tick a lot lately. It's interesting how certain songs can connect with you. I sometimes I hear a song, and I wonder, where were you years ago when I needed you? But, I also wonder if I'd appreciate them as much then as I do now, being so far removed from my own past.

The funny thing about the past is that's never really that far behind you. It's strange that sometimes, the things you think should haunt you just don't anymore. But, the things that you didn't realize were so important back then are the things that do haunt you. I see her in my dreams a lot, but she's not the person you'd think it'd be. I often wonder why I seem to have dreams that are so much more vivid than what other people have. I can remember tastes and smells. I can remember minute details from my dreams. I can remember how happy I am just to be with certain people. I can remember how much I hatred I still have for people. But, they're just dreams. They're not this reality, but I like to think of them as alternate lives. I can remember so much of the history of who I am in my dreams. Sometimes, I'm not even "me" at all. I'm someone else entirely different. It makes me think of what souls. It makes me wonder what the thoughts I am thinking are made of (ending in prepositions pisses me off, but I'll do it anyway). Do thoughts have substance? I mean, I understand that they must be the electricity of neurons firing. The hormones and synapses. But, that doesn't seem like substance to me.

I guess, since it's the day after my birthday, I'm feeling sentimental. I've been told I can still go back. There is a chance. But, I'm not really interested. I'm restless. I want more than what was. I want what will be. I've learned the danger of building a future on insubstantial promises and dreams. But, I also became complacent then. I settled.

I'm not going to settle. I know this life is temporary, but I'm glad I have it now. And, I am doing exactly what I said I would be doing. For that, I am very happy. And, for the other things that I have come into contact/possession. Things are not ideal. But, everything will be alright in the end.