I've been able to speak about it again, recently. So much time has gone by now, that it feels like it was someone else. In reality, it hasn't been that long, and sometimes saying the words aloud does offer up a sharp pain, that if I wasn't paying attention, I might not have noticed was there. Now, I've said much of this to people long ago. But, I feel like I should just mention something about it, since I'm the sentimental type.
This Friday is May 22, 2009. I had programmed this date into my phone nearly three years ago. I honestly don't know why I programmed it into my phone, but it made me happy to do so, at the time. I guess it's okay to be excited about getting married. It would have been exactly six and a half years ago that we had first started dating. Well, okay, to be honest, the wedding would probably have been either May 23rd or 24th, but I honestly don't think that's important. The proposal would have most likely been at the beach, under some moonlight. I toyed around with the site of our first kiss, but honestly, the parking deck of the Bridgewater Commons isn't that romantic. Still, it does hold some sentimentality to me, so I thought about it. Two year engagement during grad school to find our feet on our own, and then the marriage. Joseph and Genevieve Krumpfer. Haha, my name never looked good with hers. Genevieve is too sweet sounding and Krumpfer is just a harsh German name.
Now, maybe I'm a jerk for bringing up such an old memory/dream. Especially one that feels like it belongs to someone else. Perhaps that's why it's so much easier for me to talk about it, now. Because it belongs to someone else.
It's been a year since I've seen her. She came to visit me in Northampton. I unwittingly took her to a gay pride parade. :-) It was pretty priceless, actually. "Darling, I just want you to know that I support you no matter what you decide." Still have that purple tote bag too, but the bottom is starting to fall off. I knew then that we were over, but sometimes dreams are hard to let go of, no matter how painful they can be. And, I soon came to realize that it was exactly what it was. Just a painful, painful relationship, for both of us. It took me so long to realize this, too. Far too long, actually. But, you learn with experience, I guess. If I stayed in her life, I knew that all I could ever do for her is hurt her, and she would do exactly the same to me. She had already found someone who could be good for her, and I was just a stumbling block in that situation. I didn't want her to cry over me. I didn't want her to feel any more pain. I just wanted her to be happy. So, I made the decision to leave. I know I'll never be sure whether it was the right decision or not. I like to believe it was, since from what little I know, she seems to be doing very well, and is still in her relationship. I don't know for sure.
I tried talking to her a few times in the fall. But, it really just affirmed that I was no longer a welcome person in her life. Nothing I couldn't understand. So, I've just let it be. Regardless, I still think of her often. Mostly in good ways, now, but not always.
And, since then, my life has been a rollercoaster ride. I went through the stage where I honestly thought that I would never find anyone else again. But, I did, even for the briefest of moments. Everyone in Massachusetts says it's the only time they've ever seen me be really happy. Long distances are nearly impossible, though. And our lives were just in two different places. Still, it was a very nice time, she was beautiful and I could have easily seen things going much differently, had circumstances been other than what they were. I miss her now too.
I miss a lot of people, actually. I can't say I'm not haunted by these things. I can't say that I'm not emotionally and physically scarred. But, I've found a very good place now. I've had some crazy adventures, and met a lot of really interesting people. I'm grateful for the people that I have managed to hold on to, and the one that just refused to go away, no matter how hard I tried. I'm grateful for the new people who have come into my life. Whether as guest characters or new regulars, these people have definitely made for some very interesting tales. And, no not all of them are good, but they are highly entertaining to me. I'm curious to figure out Dana. Hopefully, it's not as straightforward as it seems to be. But, even if it is, it's still a good time. And, I have a half marathon race this weekend in VT which should be a lot of fun.
Alright, I've been too sentimental. But, May is a very sentimental month for me, for a lot of reasons. So, I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass somehow.
